How I am Feeling Right Now

I’ve been really hypomanic today or maybe even manic. I made five new blog posts (now six), fed the dogs, made coffee, and I went to Dunkin Donuts and went to Goodwill and to McDonald’s for lunch. I also did some blog behind the scenes work and posted on my social media accounts.

I woke up around 4:30 am. I kept waking up throughout the night. I had a really vivid dream last night. It was about Color Guard and it was like a bonding experience. My parents and my sister were there. I didn’t recognize anyone else but it felt like I knew them well. Everything felt so real. The people, the things I did in the dream were all so real. I put on a t-shirt in the dream and it felt like I was actually changing. I felt the fabric underneath my skin and saw the tag in vivid detail.

I have been having mini panic attacks today. Over and over again. My heart will race for about 30 seconds and I’ll tear up and I’ll choke up a bit. They haven’t lasted too long but they feel terrible. My body will shake as well.

I’ve been in contact with my psychiatric nurse practitioner. I called her this morning asking for mood stabilizers and I told her that my Latuda, my anti-psychotic medication, was making me feel fuzzy. I am on 120 mg and the highest dose is 160 mg. Last night, I felt like I had a dissociative episode. I felt like I was outside my body. Like my mind wasn’t controlled by me anymore.

I feel really sad today. I’ve been getting upset quite easily today as well. Even though I feel like I am hypomanic, I also feel like I am depressed still. So maybe I am having a mixed episode. I feel really tired but that also could be due to the fact that I didn’t sleep very well last night. I have also been crying a lot more today. I feel kind of hopeless and that nothing will get better. Even though I know that it will.

Those have been my rambling thoughts. I know I will get stabilized soon enough. I think my medical withdraw paper work coming in the mail may have had something to do with the sadness and the panic. If you don’t know I am withdrawing from college for the semester. I don’t really know what my future has to hold but I hope for the best.

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