Mental Health, Schizoaffective

An Open Letter to My Schizoaffective Disorder

Not so dear schizoaffective disorder,

You make my life so difficult sometimes, you know, like to the point where I just want to disappear from life itself. You do that to me. You make me second guess myself all the time. I never know where I stand. I never know what is real and what is not. I hate that part of things. When someone calls my name, I think it’s you. When I hear the phone ring, I think it’s you. I always think someone is watching me over my shoulder. I am never truly alone. I am never truly at peace. I hurt myself because you tell me it is a good idea. You tell me not to trust people because you’re scared of the world, not me. You tell me no one will believe anything I say. Well guess what? I told people about you and they did believe me. I try to ignore you. I try to let you roll off my back. I try to look past the fear you cause me. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you take over. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with you. Sometimes I can’t just think rationally because you are always there, speaking in my ear. You tell me what’s right. But I don’t believe you anymore. You tell me lies again and again. You make me scared of you. You make me scared of the world. You make me see things differently. Now is that so bad? Seeing the world differently makes me unique you say? I call bullshit. You make me struggle. My life without you would be a drastically different one. I know it would be. You’ve been with me for as long as I can remember. You’ve terrified me. You’ve led me to believe I will never be safe. So to no thanks to you, I am moving on.

Sincerely,

Kaitlyn

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